i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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