It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
