please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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