apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
