My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
