i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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