just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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