I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
