I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
