Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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