Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
