Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
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