I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
