I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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