if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
