meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
