I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
