There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Randomize
