I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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