I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
