In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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