Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
