Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
only you would photoshop your dick
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
