The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
