she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
