I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
