New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
