He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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