i was born a porn star she said
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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