my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
True strength comes from lack of pants
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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