he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My ass is underappreciated
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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