How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
My ATM looks so different sober.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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