He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize