i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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