you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
