Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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