He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
