Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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