A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
