Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize