Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
