Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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