You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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