We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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