I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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