sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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