I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
