Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
