I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
