Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
