so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
