I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
