he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize