Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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