you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
