Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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