There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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