I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
