Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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