im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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