it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
