I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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