Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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