im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We are all done wearing pants today
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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