So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize