he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
