I wanna bring you to show and tell
I will die if light touches me.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
