Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize