DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I want to be your penis for a week.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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