I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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