I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
