in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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