There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
