yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
