I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize