Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
