I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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