how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
