when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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