They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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